I recently ran out of French onion dip and was left with half a bag of Ruffles, and Ruffles solo are good but typically they need a friend.  Not willing to let this bag of Ruffles go stale I had to find a condiment to accompany my chips.  That’s when lighting struck, and I married Ruffles with Sriracha sauce.  Ruffles are the perfect platform for Sriracha because the actual chip deafens the spice from the Sriracha so you can eat them in volume.  Moreover, since Sriracha comes in a convenient squeeze bottle it makes it easy for one to apply it onto a chip, and also unlike dips Sriracha has a long shelf life.

I’ve been a long time fan of  the flavor of Sriracha, and sometimes I crave the taste so much that I have it straight from the bottle.  Not any more though, the next time I want a spicy/salty snack I will bring out the Ruffles and the bottle Sriracha.

During my hiatus I realized that just blogging about retarded hats and anything dealing with Affliction clothing was too narrow of a scope.  I still vest a lot of anger towards these outlets but truthfully my blogging was getting extremely focused and very redundant.  I simply got bored at writing about the same old shit, and needed to broaden my blog horizons.  So I’m back, and don’t worry I’ll still dip into the old Hat-tarded well from time to time.

Now onto the title of my post, what will the hipsters and the douches bring out this year as their Lolla fashion statement?  Going out to several street festivals and p4k this year I already know that we should see a plethora of retro NBA jerseys from both the hipsters and the copycat fraty douches.  Here are a few labeled pictures to put things into perspective for you.

Hipster wearing a retro NBA jersey:

Copycat fraty douches wearing retro NBA jerseys:

I really liked retro NBA jerseys before, but with the recent proliferation of them in packs at festivals makes me deplore them with a passion.  I wonder what goes on the minds of these people when they all go to the thrift store and say “we’re all going to buy old school NBA jerseys and rock them like nerdo boy scouts”.  I bet you the more obscure the jersey the better like a Jack Sikma Sonics jersey just because it says “Sik-ma” on the back.  We all know none of these hipsters know half the players on the jerseys they buy.

As for the fraty douches they just need to go their closest and dust off their already owned NBA  jerseys and follow the trend.  However, for the people that have sported retro jersey rock steady before it became a hip phenomenon must be pissed, fuck I would.

Anyhow, I jest, I actually love seeing what people come up with to wear at Lolla.  I’ll be the sweet Asian dude in his bday suit with a backpack on making fun of then, if you were wondering.

Going back to the game I attended the other night,  I discovered another stupid sports fashion.  Why do certain adult males come to games wearing a NBA jersey without an undershirt and matching basketball shorts?  I get wearing the jersey to a game but the shorts too?  Does this person think that they might get whistled into the game so they need to be in full uniform just in case?  I really don’t know what to make of this other than it’s just plain moronic.

Before I leave you today, it’s been a few posts since I have hit you up with something hat-tarded.  With the Bulls in the playoffs I’m considering getting a new Bulls hat, and to my misfortune I came across this piece of trash:

Incredibly this hat has all the elements to successfully make me angry.  Once again you see the use of old English font and scary graphics to totally ruin professional sports apparel.  Sadly, this hat will be purchased, and probably by some guy with a closest full of Affliction shirts with a passion in sharing his douchness to the world.

For those of you that have been faithfully following my blog you know that I have a terrible distaste for ill designed hats and graphic tees.  Watching the game yesterday I spotted both sins in the stands of Turner Field.

I don’t quite mind the MLB hat in principle, but what makes this gentleman a hat-tard is how he decided to place it on his dome.   Why people wear their hats completely sideways is beyond me, do they think it looks cool?  Well son it doesn’t look cool it actually makes you look totally uncool and deserving of a dense gut punch.  To make matters worse this person decided to rock the Affliction and scare everyone at Turner Field with his overflowing doucheyness.  The Cubs may have lost the opener, but this guy is losing at the game of life.

This couldn’t be more evident from a recent NBA Facebook update I received, the title of the post stated, “Feeling Trendy” and below the post pictured this piece of crap:

I blame Affliction and Ed Hardy for bastardizing what people now consider normal apparel.  The popularization of gross graphic t-shirts has now become a dangerous epidemic because even the NBA has made a partnership with the devil to propagate douche gear.  What is the fallout from all of this?  I’m not sure, but I don’t like it.

Also right around the corner is the grand daddy of them all the Masters where Eldrick ” Sex Drive” Woods is making his “triumphant” return back to action.  I’ve never really been a fan of Woods, I’ve always thought of him as a dork with a robot personality.  Yet, with that being said, I do miss the drama that he brings to the game.  Yesterday, I saw a rerun of last year’s Bay Hill where Woods drained a 16ft birdie on the final hole to win the tournament.  There aren’t too many ice cold golfers out there that could do that, but nonetheless that doesn’t change my perception that he’s a dorky prick.  I’m also really excited to see how he handles the galleries, and I wonder how many female groupies he fist pumps over the course of the week?

My mixing of baseball and golf wasn’t a coincidence though it was spawned from a hattarded discovery.  When you think of baseball there is only one pattern that comes to mind, and that is pin-stripes.  When you think of pin-stripes you picture either the Cubs or the Yankees  in their home uniforms on a beautiful spring afternoon.  The anti-pattern for baseball would be the one plastered on this piece of hattardness:

Argyle???  I just don’t get it?  There are Scottish people rolling in their graves right now.  I understand there is a proper forum for Argyle print, such as on socks, sweaters and other preppy apparel.  Argyle also is appropriate for certain sports like golf, tennis, and any physical activity performed at a country club.  However, there is no room for argyle in the game of baseball, not on the field or in the stands.

For lunch I went with friends for some delicious Indian fare and as I was dipping my naan into my chicken makhani and yogurt condiment I realized how depressing life would be in a universe without sauces.  Sauces or condiments are the yin to every yang. You just can’t bite into a french fry without some sauce unless you’re some boring communist that lives in Bland Land.   Sauces make the savory better and dots the I’s for sweets.  My love for the sauce started as a child with McDonald’s chicken nuggets and their world class fries.  My preferred sauces back in the day were BBQ and hot mustard. With each dip of a fry or nugget in these sauces it would create a waterfall of favor.  These days I still make my random visits to good old McDonald’s which I’m not ashamed to admit and recently I discovered a true winner the new chili sauce.

Speaking of chili this brings me to my favorite category of sauce: the HOT sauce.  Nothing interests my taste buds more then the perfect hot sauce to compliment a meal, snack, or for those quick hits of just the sauce by itself.  Hot sauces are such a multi-faceted condiment they range from the mild to the scorching all while enhancing the flavor of a meal.  An example of a mild version, if you have ever eaten Korean BBQ, it comes with a mild hot sauce called samjang (mix of soy bean paste and red pepper paste). It’s not very spicy at all but it accents the barbecued meat perfectly when eaten together.   Another instance where you want a mild to mid-range hot sauce would be when partaking in some fried chicken. However, here you are looking for a vinegary hot sauce.  You aren’t trying to make the fried chicken into a buffalo wing but a nice spattering of a vinegary hot sauce such as Louisiana Hot Sauce makes the chicken dance in your mouth.  Another consummate use of hot sauce is when eating pretty much any Asian noodle dish whether it’s a soup or some pan prepared concoction.  I would highly recommend the use of Sriracha sauce, a spicy Vietnamese chili sauce which has a nice kick and does very well with noodles.

Now for the scorching but not inedible, I recently went to a local bar in my neighborhood and they have a devil sauce.  This hot sauce not only had an excellent taste but it also had that type of spice that tickles your lips, numbs your mouth, and causes an unexplainable physical high.  I always know that I will be in pain later for drenching my food the devil’s sauce, but the taste and the feeling is well worth the signing of the post consumption pain contract.  You can usually find some version of a devil’s sauce in your local market, restaurant, or bar.

This leads me to end of this post, but I will leave you with several hot sauces that should be in everyone’s home:

Sriracha, a classic chili sauce with decent spice depending on what you can take.  Pairs well with Asian food, cheap pizza, eggs,and veggies.

Huey Fong Chili Garlic, another classic chili sauce similar to sriracha but has actual pepper seeds and a slightly stronger taste.  Good for cooking and to spicing up a soup.

Cholula or Tapatio: you can’t have a house sans some type of Mexican hot sauce both of these sauces are on the peppery and salty side.  Pairs well with Mexican food, pizza, eggs, popcorn, and veggies.

Louisiana Hot Sauce: a staple for vinegary hot sauces and not too spicy.  Pairs well with anything that needs some spice, and especially fried chicken.

Finally Tabasco (all its varieties): old faithful – this should be in everyone’s house as it’s the most well known and versatile hot sauce on the market.  It’s less vinegary and more garlicky and goes well on pretty much anything.

That it’s for now and I know everyone has their favorites.  Add a comment and share them.

Recently, I have been noticing a lot of car windows being broken into in my neighborhood.  It’s beyond me that people who park outside don’t hide all possible items that could draw attention.  Leaving bags, GPS stands, and anything that’s related to a technical device is total gangster/methhead bait.  I don’t ever wish ill will on people, but come on – we live in a city full of evil people that either want your cool shit or will steal it for cash.  Speaking of broken in windows, it takes me to the hat-tarded hat of day:

They call this one the “I got my car window broken into by a methhead last night”.  Seriously, it should be criminal to sell this terribly designed hat to Cubs fans.  If I saw someone sporting this hat I would have to run the other direction because I wouldn’t be able to trust the person that purchased it.   To be honest I think I would rather come out to a broken-in window than ever see this hat in person.

What kind of a person would willingly buy this hat? Before we get started, I’ll be the first to admit I lack a general sense of good fashion. For example, I wear the same 4 t-shirts on a regular rotation. Do they have stripes and wild patterns on them? No, they’re very nondescript. Sometimes I wear shirts that tend to lean toward the lumberjack spectrum of dress. Do I have long hair and a beard? I do. So it works for me. Have I ever put on a hat that looks like a goblin from my childhood nightmares had violent sex with a zebra and painted this hat with the resulting mess? No, I certainly have not.

If you see any of your friends wearing this, kindly remove it and find the nearest blast furnace and toss it in. Then deliver a swift falcon punch to this friend of yours and slip one of these on their stupid, ignorant head. Then take a lot of pictures.

It’s your duty as a citizen of earth.

- Slak

]]> http://rhurh378.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/guest-column-the-hat-tarded-tundra/feed/ 3 slaky311 http://rhurh378.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/who-dat/ http://rhurh378.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/who-dat/#comments Wed, 10 Feb 2010 16:48:28 +0000 rhurh378 http://rhurh378.wordpress.com/?p=107 ]]> Did you miss me? I took a little break from the blogging due to a bout of either food poisoning or the stomach flu.  In my time of illness I was still able catch the most watched TV event in history, and I’m not talking about the series finale of 227.  I’m referring to America’s most cherished event: the Super Bowl. Thankfully, it turned out to be a rather exciting contest.  I was happy to see that the underdog Saints were able to topple the Manning monster and claim victory for the city of New Orleans.

Another highlight of the evening – for the second year in a row CareerBuilder was able claim best commercial of the night:

Also if you don’t remember last year’s even better commercial, check this out:

I extend my utmost congratulations to the advertising agency that made these for winning best commercial two years running.  Other than that bit scene in the VW commercial where a little kid nut punches his grandpa, the rest of the commercials were pretty mediocre.  Speaking of mediocre, in all the hoopla of the Saints celebrating their victory on the field I was able to discover this hat-tarded mess:

I never did quite understand why some designers have an overwhelming need to cover as much hat real estate as they can with their ugly images.  Come on now, what Saints fan saw Drew Brees wearing this hat and said,”I can’t wait to own my disgustingly large font cursive Champions hat.”?  I honestly feel bad for Saints fans because they will not be remembered for winning Super Bowl XLIV, but instead they will be mocked for wearing this awful hat.

Going back to the commercial thing, I’ll leave you with one of my all time favorites: